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As We Seek So Shall We Find…

Going Towards the Light:

Most people think of “going towards the light” as accepting death, moving towards the light that represents their afterlife. But to me, that light is enlightenment, knowledge. It represents satisfying the need to evolve as a human. It also feels like a rebirth of sorts, another chance at life. This is an intense need in me, to be reborn over and over after many bouts of dire depression. Each time I am able to open my eyes through the depression and see “the light,” I reach for it, I long for it, I strive to attain it. I feel the fog and oppression lift, and I am slowly able to rejoin life in progress. Then I resolve to make changes and move forward and learn as much as I can.

Sometimes the changes never come. I don’t always find the knowledge I seek to make them and before I know it, my brain has performed its clever chemical trickery on me and I am trapped in the fog again. And it feels like such dreadful failure that I will never overcome. And the depression wins again…

But the truth is, it’s never really a failure. I can see that when my mind is clear. I can see that as long as I am seeking the truth and positive change, I cannot fail.

A few years ago, I got a phoenix tattoo to represent my son who has CP. To me, he was like a phoenix, constantly rebuilding himself, being reborn from the ashes of his battles. But it wasn’t long before I realized that the phoenix was an excellent metaphor for my life as well. I am always being reborn from the ashes created by the fires of depression.

This blog will end up being an endless diatribe on my views of the world, or more accurately, the society in which I live. It is a representation of my quest for the light. For I must seek if I wish to find…

My phoenix tattoo - February 2009
My phoenix tattoo – February 2009

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